Hi,
Something I am struggling with is discussing my thoughts.
For many years I fought against any talk of infidelity, I lied, gas lit, abused, shouted, screamed, intimidated....the list goes on. Many of you know my past and the continued failure to work on saving myself and my marriage. I had to hit my lowest points before I started to make changes, and even then I was a struggle for my BS.
I am looking into my "whys" and deep diving into the justifications I told myself and thrust upon my BS. So may areas of our life were impacted by my infidelity and subsequent refusal to make any changes. I am working on empathy and a caring attitude to discussions about me, my past and my future. Even now though, I keep my thought to myself until such time as I think I have an answer.......Clearly there are problems to this way of thinking.
1) BS has no idea what I am doing or thinking
2) I am a WS and therefore my thoughts cannot be trusted fully
3) My own bullshit detector is tuned to others, but I am poor at self bullshit analysis
4) Past uncovering of bullshit by BS lead to defensive behaviour
5) I only have my perspective
6) It is not being the "open" side of open and honest.
There are more, but I think you get my point.
Even taking more recent conversations, post full disclosure, BS and I have had great conversations where we rationally discuss my behaviours and thought and these lead to constructive and even emotionally mature talks.
I post this to ask WS and BS if this sounds similar and what was done to overcome it and how did this make you feel? I think I am not alone in this and this is certainly something I am working on. Wayward head thinks that if I discuss a thought and it turns out to be inaccurate 9not a lie, but a dumb bit of thinking, then this will lead to more arguments (not true as rational brain knows full well)
I'm not after excuses, more reassurance that I'm not the only dumbass out there. Also so I can help to push wayward brain further away. I often delude myself I am a lot further down the road to recovery than I actually am. Thoughts are important to discuss, I know this and understand this. I now need to ensure I act on this knowledge.
Hopefully this makes sense
[This message edited by Bulcy at 10:01 PM, Wednesday, April 23rd]
