SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I didn't want to thread-jack Butterfly's thread, so I'm going to ask this here. There was some discussion about not taking each other for granted in that thread, and I've never really understood that. For me, the whole point of getting married - i.e. entering into a lifelong commitment - was to be able to take certain things for granted.

I took for granted that he would be faithful, loving, and honest, and that he would take those things for granted about me. I took for granted that he would have my back, and I his. I took for granted that we would provide each other moral support. I took for granted that he would do the chores or errands he said he'd do, and I made sure to keep my word about the same. I took for granted that he wouldn't abuse or neglect our child, and again vice versa.

Aren't we granting these core commitments to each other when we take vows? If I *didn't* take them for granted, I'd be stressed out, anxious, and constantly double checking (which is exactly what happened after DDay). I couldn't live in a marriage where I couldn't take such fundamental behaviors for granted.

This is (to me) different from expressing affection, respect, and love. "Taking for granted" is the same as "can be counted upon", but maybe others see it as the equivalent of abusing their partner's kindness? What am I not getting?

I took for granted that he would be faithful, loving, and honest, and that he would take those things for granted about me.

NoThanksForTheMemories I understand why you referred back to my thread because I think this is such an important distinction.

I absolutely agree that marriage and long term partnership should come with certain core assumptions and safety. Fidelity. Honesty. Loyalty. Emotional safety. Mutual care. Those are not unreasonable things to take for granted because otherwise, as you said, people end up living in hypervigilance rather than partnership.

I think where some of us are talking about "taking each other for granted" after infidelity is more the quiet drift into assuming the relationship will survive regardless of how emotionally present, attentive or protective we are towards it.

For me personally betrayal completely changed the meaning of safety and certainty inside a relationship. Before I thought trust meant "I never need to question this" and now I think trust is probably something more conscious and actively maintained than I realised before.

In terms of a marriage or a relationship, like Butterfly said, the things you listed should be expected. When you start forgetting to be grateful for your partner for doing them, or if someone cheats and expects the relationship will still be just fine, that where I think 'taking [things] for granted' starts. I try to express gratitude for everything my H does for our family, and how much I love him, on a regular basis so he doesn't feel taken for granted.