SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I posted. I am doing reasonably well after a meltdown around the anniversary of DD and our wedding anniversary I seem to have confronted a lot of the pain I was no doubt suppressing, accepted the full truth of what happened without trying to rationalise or minimise, and accepted that healing is going to be a long, non linear process but that life and joy can be found even whilst living with pain.

My fears and anxiety have moved from dwelling on the past to the future. I am mainly concerned that despite wanting to reconcile and seeing true remorse and change in my husband, my complex history of trauma may mean my body does not comply with what my mind wants.

I have a complex history of trauma starting from childhood and the one good thing to come out of the discovery of my husband's historic infidelity has been the ability to address a lifetime of trauma in therapy (low self worth, dissociation, denial etc stopped me from accessing therapy before now).
Whilst I have processed so much of this and feel I have addressed my past my body states otherwise! I'm am dealing with a lot of insomnia, broken sleep and vivid disturbing dreams focused on caring for babies (my husband cheated whilst I was pregnant and in the first 18 months of my youngest's life) but they also nearly always feature my FOO. I am also going through menopause and suffering terrible night sweats and allergies despite HRT so it's difficult to differentiate between trauma responses and menopause.

My worry is that no matter what I do, my body will never feel truly safe around my husband. He has the same worry too. We have decided that if I don't start to heal in my body within the next 18 months (which we see my youngest through school) we will separate but the thought is so distressing for us both as there is so much love between us (we grew closer, and closer over the years since the infidelity and were probably closer than ever on DD).

So, my question is, am I a suitable candidate for reconciliation or will my history of trauma mean I will be in a perpetual state of fight or flight if I remain in this marriage? Has anyone with a history of trauma successfully reconciled to the point they feel at peace and safe in their marriage and their body?

I had the same, from birth apparently.

In my case reconciliation did not happen in 17 years (18 now).

I just got completely destroyed in the process and it was false R, with my suppression and denial at my cost.

I am good because I am indifferent to her, even agreed to help her through her therapy.
But revisiting the past for that is a new look in the pain she was glad to inflict me, and now it is crisp, clear, I can taste it fully and still tastes like shit.

The more I go over that, the more I solidify the thought that she must disappear from my life, in presence, thoughts, memories.

Feelings are strange, because I gave it all no matter how much she proved to be a woman a guy like me should never even bother to consider as a one night fun or distraction.

Perhaps her therapy will give me the insight I needed to remove her for good from my life, I don't know if she can ever heal.
We'll see, it is what it is.

Evio have you tried any form of somatic healing? Trying to focus on slowing the body down intentionally, teaching your body it is safe, and giving it time to trust the safety, while learning to trust yourself. This allows you to make a decision on whether to stay or go from a place of absolute clarity as opposed to chaos (fight or flight)

Evio….I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma. (Homelessness, drug addiction, abusive, etc). When they say it takes 2-5 years to heal, I can say it was closer to 5 for me.

EMDR was a godsend for me. Went in for A trauma, walked out having dealt with childhood trauma. I also had very insomnia, very disturbing dreams, I struggle/struggled with eating (I completely lose any appetite), I was in the throes of menopause during DDay. Feel free to PM me.

When we were pre-A, after my upbringing, FWH had been my only safe place. I bought the fairytale. I placed all my safety in one basket. It was an illusion I don’t think people who’ve never experienced severe childhood trauma can relate to as easily. Affairs are devastating for anyone betrayed….but the when that illusion of 100% safety provided by my H came down, I had to learn that I have the ability to keep myself safe.

I will say that for me I’m not 100% safe within my body anywhere. I do believe that it is a day to day thing for me. For me, I now have tools to deal with that flight or fight. Somatic exercises help. Reminding myself that while the feeling is distressing, this is my body and brain doing what they were made to do, ie keep me safe.

I do feel safe within my marriage, but not the blind trust I once had. There was a Gottman exercise in one of their books about listing out the ways you can trust your FWS post DDay. While I couldn’t trust him 100%, I could trust him 60%….early on post DDay. That was mostly because of what he was doing. I couldn’t trust him 100%, but I could trust him to do the dishes, to do his best to be a good dad, to step in to help when I was having a bad day, etc. We built on all those little things. Those little things also helped me to recognize how very superficial the A actually was. FWH never did stuff like that for the AP.
Of course this is difficult, this is your primary adult relationship. Affair betrayal is traumatic. Trauma sticks to trauma in your brain.

This month is the 7th anniversary of DDay for me. I’m not perpetually in flight or fight, but this month it is much more activated than usual….and running into the AP a few days ago is challenging on an extreme level.

In some ways, having C-PTSD had me more co-dependent on H pre-DDay. In many ways, I’ve prioritized myself since DDay, out of necessity. I have an amazing friend group. Amazing counselor. We had an expert MC.

If you’re both willing to work together, you’re definitely a candidate for recovery. But, I do think it has taken me longer than someone without C-PTSD.

Backfromthestorm - sorry to hear about your experience. Are you still in reconciliation?

Drowning - I've read about somatic healing but don't even know where to start. I'm currently having psychotherapy but I'm open to trying new forms of therapy.

Ladybug - I'll send you a pm if that's ok?

Backfromthestorm - sorry to hear about your experience. Are you still in reconciliation?

No, we had a false R after her first betrayal, that lead to marriage while she became a "serial cheater". To be honest she is not cheating as long as I am here, but I feel if I am gone for business it won't be long before she slips into someone's bed.

She swears she is changed and serious in therapy. I am trying MC, but just to be sure I also prepared the divorce papers.
Because I had enough.

Backfromthestorm - I don't blame you. I'm giving my husband a chance to make this work, but if he ruins this chance he won't get another.

So, my question is, am I a suitable candidate for reconciliation or will my history of trauma mean I will be in a perpetual state of fight or flight if I remain in this marriage?

With a history of trauma, I think you'll always be in a perpetual state of fight or flight, whether you D or R?

IOW & IMO, your best bet is to devote a lot of energy to gealing from the trauma and a lot of energy to whether or not you want to R. And if you and your WS both want to R and both are willing to do the necessary work, use some energy to do that.

I know that's all easier said than done, my W (fWS) has been dealing with trauma for a lot longer than we've been in R (started in 2011). R is accomplished, but the effects of the trauma persist. Healing from trauma and healing from an A are intertwined. You can do one without the other, but healing in one area can help healing in another.

If you love each other and keep getting closer, why deprive yourself of each other's company - and support? By all means, I support your separation if that will help you heal. But even more, I support being kind to yourself. My reco is to do what's best for you, and being close to a partner who loves you and whom you love is usually a great way to be kind to yourself, unless your partner self-sabotages themself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:50 PM, Monday, February 9th]

Dear Evio,

My heart aches for you. I want to say you most definitely are a candidate for recovery. This takes time, it really does. I still hurt almost 2 years out and I expect it to essentially for the rest of my my life. It won't debilitate me, but when the thoughts come they will hurt.

Now please hear me closely.... peri-menopause absolutely wreaks havoc on your emotions and sleep, etc. Please don't automatically attribute these symptoms to the betrayal...that would not necessarily be an accurate association. You said you are on HRT, may I suggest you look into Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy? It is much more individualized and has done my wife wonders.

And please draw close to Jesus. He truly can help your heart heal. It is said of Him that "He is aquatinted with grief".

Don't give up Evio.🙏

I survived childhood trauma/abuse, six years in the military wasn’t a particularly calming experience, and then of course an LTA on top of it all.

I would say it took me FIVE years to get through the horrific sleep deprivation part of it.

I remember thinking I would never sleep again, that I would be haunted the rest of my days by the latest trauma.

I am now sleeping better than I have in decades, but not perfect sleep, because I am getting older and aging has problems too (of course).

I also feel more calm and safe than ever before as well.

For me, I learned I had to get out of my own way.

We feel what we feel, but we have the power to change the channel, change the focus.

I spent most of those first five years of R working hard on myself, but also in a constant state of forgiving myself — and really, until you learn to trust YOU and your own judgments again, no way to start trusting your spouse again.

And yes, my mind was seemingly ahead of my body on healing, but it really wasn’t.

As I have learned, our brains create can continue extra suffering far after the horrific events are over.

I wasn’t great at focus or meditation, and I am still not great at it, but good enough to empower the moment. It took so long, but again, I think my calm started to kick in somewhere in year five, and the last five years have been the best of my life. Peace and calm I didn’t even consider was possible, great relationships with my sons, my family, etc.

Does my brain still hit the panic button?

Yes, I am still human.

I’m just able to talk myself out of the proverbial tree in seconds, instead of hours or days.

So, I think it is POSSIBLE, but I sure had to make it happen myself.

Your brain is still trying to find a path where the bad stuff doesn’t happen or can’t happen — which is impossible. Bad stuff happens, sadly, that’s a big part of life.

We do (after relentless focus) have a choice in how we respond to the trauma.

It took me a long time to realize I was as safe I was going to get, and if bad stuff happens again I KNOW I will survive that too. Knowing I will be okay no matter what is a powerful thought to keep in the front of my brain. Again, it takes a while to not just say it, but believe it.