SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LD-LTA is over, did the yes/no maybe so for a couple of years, I finally said no and i mean it. I know this will stick - I am one that once a relationship ends, nothing and I do mean nothing will get me to change my mind.

I am sad but relieved, confused one minute and clear headed the next.

I struggle with how deeply I compartmentalized the A. There are years of pushing stuff in a box.

The why’s need for attention, need for affection, escape, validation. Sounds simple… it’s anything but.

So for now, i think i will just hang around here a bit, and learn.

Welcome. We are happy to have you here.

Have you disclosed to your Betrayed ex Spouse (BXS) yet?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:01 AM, Wednesday, July 22nd]

I asked xH for a divorce long ago. He got remarried, I didn’t. I built a good single life for myself, but hung onto xAP. LD-LTA ended last week. I am almost 60, I have known xAP since I was 2. Lived in different cities after HS. Lots of history - I grapple because unlike other WS/OW situations I read here, I knew him very well before the A and there had never been a need for putting on a mask.

And I am terrified of looking in the compartmentalized box.

[This message edited by EndingsLTA at 5:15 AM, Wednesday, July 22nd]

Congratulations- the good news is that ending that relationship lets in space for so many healthier things.

I think maybe the box to start with is what made you accept less than what you should have had?

Just as scary of a box, but without a bh to tend to, it will be a helpful bridge in thinking about the healing of the relationship with yourself. You have accepted a lot of pain and loneliness for very poor trades. Work on that, and I think things will start to open up.

Suffering and pain are two different things—-you have had a lot of pain but you have created a lot of your own suffering—-likely by telling yourself stories about who this man was to you. So once you get your feet under you, learn to expect more from connections, you need to dispel this diabolical myth that has hindered you for so long.

EndingsLTA,

I resonate with so much of what you said that I don't even know where to begin.

"I am sad but relieved, confused one minute and clear headed the next."

This is such a hard place to be. For me, it didn't start easing until about four months in. Our situations are different, though. I have a husband, and there was a lot of self-pressure not to ruminate about the affair unless we were actively discussing it. I've since realized that ruminating is part of how I process things, and sometimes I just have to let her go.

"I grapple because unlike other WS/OW situations I read here, I knew him very well before the A and there had never been a need for putting on a mask."

I didn't know my AP since childhood, but I did know him for years before it became an affair. There were never any flirtations or boundary crossings until there were. By that point, it was too late to put on a mask because we'd already seen quite a few downsides (and upsides) to each other—anger, frustration, laziness, sorrow, and all the rest.

"And I am terrified of looking in the compartmentalized box."

That box is a bitch. Excuse my language if cursing isn't your thing, but 🥵.

I've discovered that my story wasn't what I thought it was. So much of it reaches all the way back to childhood. It's been dismantling and humbling, and there has been a lot of grief over here.

There's a famous illustration about grief and jars that has stuck with me. People often think grief gets smaller with time, but the reality is that your jar gets bigger. The grief itself doesn't necessarily shrink; your life expands around it. I think I'm in a season where the jar feels like it has shrunk again, and the proximity to my pain feels overwhelming at times.

I don't know if any of that resonates with you, but if you decide to start looking in the box, you'll have company here.

Hikingout

Good questions. I hesitate to answer because it feels so disrespectful to my parents. I was a serious child, the responsible one and I liked to help. Emotions were not discussed in the house, especially as I got older. If I had emotions, i dealt with them on my own (I honestly don’t think my parents realized this.) I became the good girl, the cooperative one, don’t ask…

In marriage, this translated over time, to always put xH needs before mine.

With xAP - I didn’t get less than. I didn’t expect any more than what it was. Likely there is twisted logic in this… brain says xAP and I were friends for ages. I knew him before the A really well. I didn’t see the A as less, because i did’t expect anything more or ask for anything more. It was escapism and I didn’t put his needs over mine.

NotMyIdentity.

Welcome to the ruminating club… It is definitely a b*tch (you can add all the curse words you like and it still won’t describe how it feels)

I am an over-thinker or at least until my brain becomes exhausted, only then can I let go. It’s how I process. If i don’t do it this way …. I do stupid things.

I think part of this mess is that although I grieved the loss what I thought marriage should be, there are left overs not dealt with and life got in the way. I don’t grieve the loss of the "actual" marriage but I know what I wanted, i believed in what it could be, it just wasn’t the way the cards were dealt.

Unpacking… is why I came here.

[This message edited by EndingsLTA at 9:18 PM, Wednesday, July 22nd]