Setback

And things were going so well lately. In fact, I had a trigger a few days ago that I handled really well. Her uncle called me, and it was her uncle's BiL that we hired as a Realtor out of familial loyalty. The BiL referred us to the eventual AP (pocketing a referral fee I am sure for absolutely nothing).

So I don't like being reminded of that whole side of the family, even though what happened was not their fault, and the uncle nor his wife's brother have any idea about any of it.

But I was able to not let this ruin my week. I had a healthy attitude, and was able to remember that this was nearly 20 years ago, that I don't have to react to the triggers, and I can just move along in life.

But moments ago my wife and I had an argument about the D-Day. As a reminder, D-day was less than a week before our wedding. I was in shock, and went through with the wedding anyway. My wife tonight brought up that she feels I still punish her by having a bad attitude from time to time, and that I refused to have a honeymoon back then, and if I feel differently now she would like to know.

I said that sure I would go traveling with her, and I don't remember that I refused to go on a honeymoon, but that would seem like a natural consequence of what happened. "what do you think should have been the consequence?"

She hit the roof. She was right back to how it has been 20 years, and she will never be able to redeem herself in my eyes, and blah blah blah.

It's completely irrational of her to believe that there should have been zero consequences. I own, and owned to her, the fact that I rugswept so poorly in the first ten years that it resulted in a slow burn gaping wound that actually caused MORE consequences for both of us than if we would have dealt with it appropriately right away.

ANd I chose to reconcile and build a life with her, and should not treat her poorly. But that is not the same as saying there should have been no consequences.

Thanks for letting me vent.

0 comment posted: Sunday, September 6th, 2026

I finally understand the rvo in darvo.

I'm a 6 1/2 year lurker, first time poster.

My backstory, in brief, is that I rug swept an affair that happened a week before our wedding 18 years ago. She confessed right away (kind of), and I thought the right thing to do was plow through it, especially because she stuck (and still sticks) to the story that it wasn't consummated.

However, a few years later, I bluffed my way into her admitting that it wasn't just a one time drunken thing, that instead it occurred over a few days. A detail I technically hadn't asked, so it was a lie of omission. A few months later after finding it out, the emotions all rushed out, I found SI, and have been a frequent pain shopper here ever since.

As soon as I learned the body of collective wisdom here, I asked for a written timeline, and she provided it, and we finally faced this in a way that we hadn't. It took several blow-ups and lots of painful rehashing to really come to terms with the shaky unsolid foundation our marriage is built upon. We are mostly healed. Mostly.

Back when we first finally started confronting the bump under the rug, we happened to be having a discussion over-the-phone, and I demanded she promise me that she would never do anything like this again. She equivocated, and her reasoning was that because she already showed to herself that she was capable of blowing past her own moral boundaries, she can't promise anything like that. "wrong answer!!" I shouted and hung up.

We worked it out (that was almost ten years ago), but she brought it up a couple days ago, during an argument, using it as an example of being forced to promise something a person really can't promise.

It bothers me that A) she framed herself as the victim in that scenario, and B) whenever she brings up the inauspicious way our marriage started, it is for her own ends.

Another example is how now that I have admitted that I was carrying a crushing weight throughout our actual wedding....it has ruined the memories of our wedding for her. ugh.

16 comments posted: Wednesday, April 16th, 2025