SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What’s a few weeks between friends?

Antiversary is still about a month away, but even last year I didn’t even note it until someone mentioned it to me, so I think I’m past the weight of the day. Even our old marriage anniversary passed this year and I didn’t notice it until a couple days later. I think I can safely say I’m on solid ground.
I still think of the life she obliterated and daily feel deep anger toward her. Being with my children reminds of it, I hate that she destabilized their lives. Traumatized them. Will be an emotional anchor to them for as long as she lives. I give myself permission to feel that anger, it is more than deserved.
My relationships with my children continue to flourish. My oldest son went from having a distant, contentious stance toward me to calling me his best friend. He told me he was proud of me for rebuilding myself and showing back up for them. Hard for me to imagine a greater honor.
I am in love with a wonderful woman. We fit together very well. She is a BW herself. We both have a lot of patience for each others soft spots and we both own our shit. I can see my life with her and it looks beautiful.
I’m a different person from pre D-day, no question. I’m tougher. I let myself feel anger, but I also pursue feeling joy. I reject a lukewarm life. This tested me to my utter limits, but I survived. As they say, never let a good crisis go to waste.

For those still in the excruciating pain, it gets better. Put words to your pain, let it flow out in tears and screams and any constructive means you can find. You can heal, fight for it.

I always like a happy ending! So happy to hear you are doing well!

I read this forum regularly, a long time before I ever created an account. Your story was one of the first I came across that I followed through it's evolution and resolution. I remember the pain that came across in your posts vividly. I remember feeling so badly for you, you seemed lost.

You seem different now. Lighter. Wiser? You're a strong person. The crucible you endured did not claim you as a victim. I am so sorry you had to endure it, but I am pleased that you seem to be finding your own peace. It sounds like you are finally in the drivers seat of your own life (that's not to say that you never were, but I suspect you catch my meaning).

Your story often reminded me of my favorite Eagles song, already gone. There is a line that I have kept close to my heart, and has been relevant for one reason or another throughout my life, it reminds me of you:

"So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key"

I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve that and more.

I am thrilled to hear that you are thriving and that your relationship with your kids is great, InkHulk, after all you've been through you deserve the happy ending!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:57 AM, Monday, May 25th]

This tested me to my utter limits, but I survived.

InkHulk is strongest one there is!

Awesome update for an awesome soul!

May your pursuit of joy continue.

Thank you so much for posting this. So glad you found someone worthy of you.

What stood out to me most is that your post doesn’t read like someone who got over it, it reads like someone who went through the fire and learned how to carry both anger and joy without letting either fully define them. I appreciate this as I am currently engulfed in the flames and appreciate perspectives of those survivors.

There is something powerful about hearing you say that the anniversaries no longer hold the same gravity. Not because the damage disappeared or became acceptable, but because they no longer seem to dictate your emotional landscape. That feels less like forgetting and more like reclaiming ownership over your own life.

I also really respect your honesty about the anger. Too often healing gets mistaken for becoming endlessly forgiving or emotionally sanitized. Some wounds deserve anger. Especially when children are involved and their stability was collateral damage. Giving yourself permission to feel that without allowing it to consume everything feels like hard earned wisdom.

Your son calling you his best friend and telling you he is proud of you honestly hit me ( I hope one day my own son will feel this). That is no small thing. Children watch far more than we realize, and for him to see your rebuilding and draw strength from it says a lot about the father you chose to become after everything.

And finding love again with someone who understands betrayal from the inside, that made me smile. Not because it erases what happened, but because it reminds people that devastation is not the end of their story. Patience, accountability, and mutual understanding sound like a beautiful foundation. I also feel this may be the best way to find true trust and safety again, only found through two people who havce experienced this level of chaotic dissidence.

I especially appreciated this line, "I reject a lukewarm life." There is something deeply hopeful in that. Trauma changes us, sometimes permanently, but it does not have to reduce us to survival alone.

Thank you for posting this. For us still in the thick of the pain, voices like yours matter because they don’t promise magic or easy healing, they simply prove that life, joy, love, and connection can still exist on the other side.

Thank you for posting this. For us still in the thick of the pain, voices like yours matter because they don’t promise magic or easy healing, they simply prove that life, joy, love, and connection can still exist on the other side.

While I was in it, SI very well may have saved my life, it definitely saved my spirit. The combination of the outlet it provided for me to put what I was feeling to words along with the incredible feedback, it allowed me to heal. Like, seriously, Sisoon talking about processing it out of your body made zero sense to me for about 9 months and now I wish he wrote a book.
I know you are deep in it right now. My heart genuinely hurts for you. I recommend you keep writing. I found it immensely cathartic to write it all out, do my best to describe all the chaos and pain. You have a gift with words, it can work to your benefit. Others will also benefit from your eloquent descriptions that they can relate to and learn from.

But yes, betrayal trauma is not the end. It is huge and awful, it needs to be dealt with for a long fucking time, but it is not the end. Walk your walk now with that truth in mind.

"So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key"

You know I’m a sucker for lyrics

Thanks for sharing, very apropos.

May your pursuit of joy continue.

Amen and amen, dear man.

I am thrilled to hear that you are thriving and that your relationship with your kids is great, InkHulk, after all you've been through you deserve the happy ending!

Thanks for always being there. Genuinely.

Always great to get a positive update post infidelity, regardless of the path. I'm happy for you.

I'm happy to read your update. Not surprised - you pretty rapidly got the knowledge that the way through this was to be yourself, figure out what you want, go for it, and adjust as appropriate.

You've got to live your life ... and I hope checking in and posting some will continue to be part of it.

Always great to get a positive update post infidelity, regardless of the path. I'm happy for you.

You really helped a brother thru some dark days. I was always grateful for your insight and steady voice.

I'm happy to read your update. Not surprised - you pretty rapidly got the knowledge that the way through this was to be yourself, figure out what you want, go for it, and adjust as appropriate.

Rapidly??? I think you are having some very generous selective memory here
You are right, I did identify what I wanted and pursued it as much as I could. Thank you for giving me wisdom, compassion, and air cover while what I wanted was her. And eventually it became clear that the woman I wanted was a figment of my imagination and then I wanted life and freedom.
I also learned here about the zombie marriage that was possible, the one that would have me giving much less encouraging updates every ten years. I knew pretty much the whole time that that was to be avoided at all fucking costs.

You've got to live your life ... and I hope checking in and posting some will continue to be part of it.

I do. And that is the plan.

Pretty Bitchin’ (Miranda Lambert)

Life’s pretty weird
Life’s pretty great
Life’s pretty good if you live it

One two three Mississippi
Sitting pretty damn pretty
On this pretty life I’ve been given
It’s pretty bitchin

You really helped a brother thru some dark days. I was always grateful for your insight and steady voice.

Inkhulk, I wish I had something profound or philosophical to add. I am glad to have been here to help.

I'm on the brink of tears, and I just wish you well.

Cheers.

My relationships with my children continue to flourish. My oldest son went from having a distant, contentious stance toward me to calling me his best friend. He told me he was proud of me for rebuilding myself and showing back up for them. Hard for me to imagine a greater honor.

That is such a great win man. I can relate. My son and I also had a very contentious relationship when he was a teenager and into his early 20s. Now that he's been on his own and a father himself for a while he sees me in a very different light. We have a great relationship now. Between me, his mother and her parents I was the only one who said "no" or really laid down the law. I think he realizes now I wasn't a hardass at times just to be a prick. In the end he turned out pretty damned good. I'm proud of him. He hits me up for advice now.

All I can really add is that it will keep getting better.
Even as you’re feeling good now, 5,10,15 years from now it fades into a true feeling of a second life that you were reborn into. Plenty to look forward to!

InkHulk, it's always good to see an update from you. My 4 year antiversary is about 5 months away, but I feel like you're several miles ahead of me in terms of your healing journey. I'm glad you've seized life by the reins once more and that you're doing well! Thanks for lighting the way ahead.

I let myself feel anger, but I also pursue feeling joy.

This is the biggest sign of healing, when you are able to feel a wider range of emotions. Joy is the toughest to get back.

Most people have a parent who is an emotional weight on them. I look around and few people I know don’t have that. Yet we thrive and flourish, your kids are going to be okay and you are seeing how resilient and stable they are by the way they have been open to building a different relationship with you. If they are okay you can be okay.

She will always be in your life but you will find once you get past the active parenting years there comes to be a lot of slack in that line and you will reach more of an indifference towards her. I can’t speak for you, but for me there was less of a need for control, and the day I realized that was bliss.

Sounds like you are getting there. Every year will bring a new stage of healing until you are just living your life.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:28 PM, Tuesday, May 26th]