SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bit of a backstory... D Day was April last year. DH had an affair with a coworker. It started when I was around 35 weeks pregnant and he left me for her when he was 7 weeks old. During that time, I lost my dad to having a sudden end of life cancer diagnosis. He died at 4am; I returned home at 8am where I was given our newborn so he could get ready to go out on a planned night out - what I wasn't aware of at the time was he spent that night in a hotel room with AP. He didn't call or text once to see if I was ok whilst he was out, and didn't return until 3pm the next morning. I called him at 8am to ask if he was still going to be back by 9am as agreed so I could take my mom to see my dad at the funeral home, to which he had a go at me and then turned his phone off. This followed by several nights of "staying over late at work" and "painting his friend's hallway" where he was really having sex with her in her car whilst I was suffering at home with PND, looking after our children whilst trying to grieve my dad. My dad had a lot of designer t shirts, that my mom gave to him to get some wear out of them. He wore them all, including his favourite ones when he was sleeping with her. They're shoved in the back of my cupboard as I can't bear to look at them knowing she's had her hands all over them.

I found out about the affair via her Facebook that I was monitoring as I had my suspicions, it all came out 2 days before his funeral. He tried to deny it first, then looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to be with her. I was holding the baby at the time and I physically felt my world crash down. He packed his things and left me screaming on the bed as I'd messaged her, to try and win her back. He did everything to her to prove he wanted her and not me, including sending threatening mediation letters for 50/50 contact for our newborn - I already had severe separation anxiety and it completely destroyed the bond I had with him; even now at 16 months old. Eventually he came crawling back because she wouldn't have him, and I didn't want to be away from my baby as I was really suffering.

Anyway, he's put in all the work - his social life has come to a halt, he's switched sites at work so he's not with her and he's ditched his best friend of over 25 years who knew about the affair and encouraged it - even calling him of the morning my dad died to make the story look realistic that he was staying at his friend's house and even jokingly said "sorry your dad's dead". He comes home from long shifts and does everything for the kids and me, however in my head it'll never be enough to recover from all of the hell he put me through. Our 16 month old is severely delayed and the doctor is saying it's due to the high levels of stress I was experiencing. This has had such a ripple effect.

Point of this post - he barely goes out the house anymore. I've been banging on at him to go and go fishing with his brother to give us some space and to integrate him going out again as it's not healthy what we're doing at the moment. He wanted to go overnight fishing and has been gone since yesterday morning. It feels EXACTLY the same as it did before, and memories have come flooding back. It's the first night away since it all happened, and he knew it would be incredibly hard for me. He didn't even call to see if I was ok, and it ended up in a big argument last night where I was in hysterics. I'm typing this at 8am (UK time) and he's still not back. I've had 2 hours sleep. All be it was minor compared to last time, there's so SO many factors that are the same.

In my head I'm done, I've tried and I can't forgive him. I look at him a lot of the time with hatred and disgust. I can't tell if I'm still in a rage haze but in my head I can't cope with it anymore. I can't even think about my poor dad without everything that happened flooding back and setting me off.

[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 8:27 AM, Monday, May 25th]

First, this is a holiday in the US, so there's not a lot of web traffic.

As I read your post, my initial thought was that this R(econciliation) would be especially difficult. The lack of support is mind- and gut-boggling. R is possible, IMO, if you both want it, but it's been more than a year, and you don't want to be with your WH.

IMO, the best way through infidelity is to figure out what you want and go for as much of that as possible. If you want out, D is eminently possible if finances support it - and it may be possible even if finances are very tight..

You say your WH has done everything, but you don't mention IC. He has withdrawn from life, which is different from changing from betrayer to good partner. You don't describe a healed former WS; it's more likely, IMO, that you describe a bomb waiting to go off again. I think I can understand at least some of your desire to dump your WS.

My reco is to keep looking inside to see if you really want D. Post some of your thinking to get feedback. Consult with a family lawyer (solicitor?).

Also, I recommend checking out the Divorce/Separation forum on SI, especially the fear vs reality thread.

And have faith in yourself to heal. You didn't fail; your H did. You can heal. You can survive and thrive. And the sooner you do that, the sooner your kids will heal, too.

To answer your question — no, you’re not being unreasonable at all, in any way.

Even if we set all the trauma aside, it is simply common consideration to check in on your wife and young child when you’re out on the road.

But there is trauma, caused by the person who isn’t helping rebuild what he broke.

As noted by Sisoon, it takes BOTH people really wanting to heal the M.

No help, no chance.

I can’t with this one.

Your hate and disgust is justified. If you wanted someone to tell you that they would feel the same way and that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way, then here it is.

He doesn’t really understand the damage he caused.

Not sure if you should try to explain it. But there is a good book that might help him (and you) to reconcile. It’s called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair " by Linda Macdonald.

It provides some excellent info and is a very easy read.

I hope this helps you.

I don’t know…

In one sentence you tell him "Go away and do something social because a) it’s good for you and b) I need the space" and in the next sentence you tell him "Why aren’t you contacting me in the period of time we decided that you should be away giving me space?"
It’s mixed signals IMHO. Then we add the info you give that he’s been quite good at the reconciliation work to-date.

Maybe I’m sympathetic to him because I’m an avid angler. Ideal fishing spots aren’t noted for their cell-coverage. When fishing you tend to zone out – enter a different mentality. Calling your spouse isn’t really high on the priority-list. Your phone is in a water-tight pocket deep on your body, there is limited privacy, your hands are full, you are walking to or from a site on uneven ground, you are focused on the water, the environment and the activity of fishing. It’s not as if you just pull out your phone and pop off a message or two.

I actually don’t think the issue is the fishing or that he went away for the night. I think something triggered, and possibly that would have happened no matter what he did – or did not do.
I think you weren’t ready for this – AND NO WONDER. Infidelity is a major trauma, add to that the baby and the loss of your dad… I suffered PTSD from my experience with infidelity but didn’t have the sense to deal with it until over a decade later. IMHO your best bet would be to get some professional help.