We used to say it all the time over here "You have to let go of the outcome."
It’s great advice. It’s also incredibly easy to type, and brutally hard to actually do. We rarely talk about how much time, energy, and raw courage are involved in even getting a start on it. We don't talk about how uncomfortable, scary, and painful the process actually is.
When D-Day happens, most of us fall into a mad scramble. We panic, and we immediately shift into desperate damage control. In our minds, we think we can just put our spouse's guts back into place quickly, nice and neatly. We think we can lie, minimize, and manipulate to gain control of the situation and make it less than what it really is. We grasp at anything to stop the bleeding.
But beneath that panic is a hard realization, things are entirely out of your control.
I never thought of myself as a controlling person until I realized just how desperately I was clinging to control after the bomb went off.
Before D-Day, we create an illusion under a cozy safety net. We took what our betrayed spouses offered us, love, support, and comfort, completely for granted. Our outcome for our lives felt fixed. We grew fond of it, attached to the idea that it would always be there. That attachment fed our minds with comfort. That’s why D-Day is such a violent shock, it rips that safety net wide open and blows the illusion of control out of the water.
Ive seen the sudden quick turnaround time and time again where our BS is our entire world again. Why? Because we are terrified of the unknown. Human beings like to feel protected in a safety net. Change forces us out of our comfort zone, and the moment we step out, we immediately feel unsafe. It is easier and more comforting to cling to a bad situation with a "sure idea" of the destination than to be left staring into a blank future.
I know one hard truth I had to learn, It’s NOT just the outcome we have to let go of, it’s the unknown we have to learn to embrace.
The unknown is hard to face. To be honest, it still freaks me out a bit. It feels like you could lose anything at any time, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Nobody likes loss. But at the same time, when you embrace the unknown, you realize you could also gain everything.
There is no definite, guaranteed outcome no matter what life you are living. You don’t have to be a naturally "controlling" person to want control over your life, you know what I mean? But out from under that false safety net, you finally see the truest reality, life has always been an unknown. No outcome was ever certain, even before you blew up your life.
The absolute truest thing I’ve come to realize is that the only control I have is over myself. That’s it. And the more I grew comfortable with that reality, the truest reality, the better I could breathe, and the more I could finally let go.
When my marriage ended and we ultimately divorced, walking through that door taught me that letting go of the destination wasn't a death sentence. It didn't mean I stopped caring, and it didn't mean I was giving up. It just meant I stopped trying to force a reality that wasn't mine to dictate.
Letting go means getting comfortable with a process where you don't even know where to begin, but you choose to believe in it anyway. It takes courage to walk this path. A lot of it. You will feel like you are doing the hardest shit of your life when you finally drop your hands and stop trying to control your spouse's choices.
It won’t feel better for some time. But eventually, you will get some real, sustainable peace out of it.
Anxiety and panic come from attachment, from needing a specific answer to feel safe. But attachments aren't healthy. What you want is a true, authentic bond with yourself and, if possible, a healthy connection with your partner. You don't want to operate out of neediness and fear.
If you are in the early days of this, stop trying to glue the shattered pieces back together perfectly. Stop trying to manipulate the ending of the story. Step out from under the safety net, make friends with the unknown, and realize that no matter what door you walk through, you can choose to be a safe, honest human being today. That is the only piece of the world you own.
How did you finally learn to let go?
