SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I am talking about other issue in my other thread, but one issue is bothering me. Not just on a physical level, but also on a physiological level. I am starting another thread because I feel it is another issue to deal with. Before my wife's affair, she had gained weight. I didn't care. I was still totally obsessed with being with her. To me, she was still as perfect as when we met and got together in college. I mean that seriously. I wanted her constantly. After her affair, I notice the wrinkles, the weight, the sagging. I hate it. I hate it so much. Like I said in my other post, maybe I need to move on, but I hate the idea of it. I have returned to counseling to help me, but I feel like I am fighting myself sometimes.

I think I know what you are talking about.

Before DD I never really look looked at my H, I loved him for him, not what he looked like but of course, I’ve always been highly attracted to him. After DD, I don’t exactly know how many months after?, possibly 4-6 months I guess, I actually started to really look at him.

It’s like you see them in a whole new light, you see every single flaw and clearly see that they ain’t all that!.
Perfectly normal IMO.

My H said to me on more than one occasion ‘ I always came home to you’ as if he believed somewhere in his tiny little brain then, that made him still believe he was a good man (insert John Jonah Jameson laugh here)I asked him to look at himself, then actually look at me, not only that but I told him how he’d devalued himself now, anyone can have a cheater, they’re ten a penny, I could have an orderly Que of men like you but you?!, any decent woman would not touch you with a barge pole.

You’ll strip her back to her bare bones and when you do, you’ll have to figure out if she’s worthy of YOU!, decide if you think she’s worth the effort, wrinkles, weight and sagging included.

She has a lot of work to do.

Her affair caused you to see her in a different light - physically and metaphorically.

Only you can decide if you want to move forward in this new light.

I understand what you are saying too. It's like you see your spouse differently. In a whole other light. You wonder who your spouse is.

Mine was the opposite. He began working out again for many hours a day (yes, it turns out that he was spending some of that time having sex with women and sexting, but he still worked out a lot). He lost a lot of weight, and his muscles came back to where they were when were teens. He looks fantastic.

But I still looked at him differently. Who was the person I married? How did my amazing husband do these disgusting things?

I'm too new to know but I'm guessing it's a normal part of the process.

It’s not just about the physical appearance.

The person who cheated becomes "ugly" inside & out.

My H is very good looking. But for years after his affair I didn’t see him that way. I had to deal with the pain and trauma and anger he forced upon me.

As things improved in our relationship I started to view him differently. It took a very long time to see him in a better light - both physically and emotionally.

Then again for some people cheating is a dealbreaker.

I know it was in all of my past ( before marriage) relationships. It was over that instant I found out.

For me, finding out about the cheating was like getting the worst ick you could possibly get. Suddenly you feel completely differently about everything they are and do and say than you did before.

My cheating ex was stunning. Dark complexion, long curly hair, giant bright green eyes, full lips, perfect body. 10/10. After her cheating I couldn't help, but see a pig.

I know exactly what you are talking about. When you love, you see your partner with your heart and not through your eyes. That changes with the affair. You now see them like everybody else is seeing them.

I understand you! My husband wasn’t into fitness when we met but I thought he was really attractive. He is now in ‘better’ shape and I’m sure some people see him as more appealing to the eye but sadly I don’t.

It’s like a pretty cake or dessert that tastes bland and is made from artificial ingredients to a generic recipe and delivered in a truck rather than a home made cake made from good quality ingredients - the imperfect homemade is the truly beautiful cake.

My wife tried to use the excuses of she was closing in on 50 years old, she was putting on weight, more and more gray hair, hair falling out, skin starting to loosen up. So when a good looking Charming flirtatious charismatic 9 years younger man started flirting with her, she ate it up.

My wife has been struggling with weight for a long time and I never cared. Her hair was turning gray, didn't care, her butt was twice as big as it was when we started dating, didn't care. What I cared about was the fact that she loved me and I loved her and we were working on our dream of building a retirement home in Tennessee and growing old together. But that was no match for compliments from a younger man :/

It didn't matter if I told her she was beautiful, that was just her husband saying that. It didn't matter if I said that outfit looks great on you, just her husband doing his husband Duty. But, if a Charming good looking younger MARRIED man says that dress looks great on you, well that gave my wife the validation that she was craving

If I gave a compliment it's just because that's what husbands do, but when a married coworker gives a compliment, well he must be genuine and sincere. That's why my wife would take lots of time to lay out her clothes the night before and then spend an hour in the bathroom each morning making sure the hair and the nails and the makeup were perfect. She told me she did all of this just so she felt put together, in hindsight it's because she had his attention

I still don't care about these things that she hates about her body, I'm 55 and she is 52, we're not 25-year-olds anymore. My hair is really starting to thin out and I don't care because there's nothing I can do about it. It's never made me want to have an affair

My wife gave birth to three children, the last when she was 36. The last one really stretched out her stomach and now it hangs down a little bit. She hates it, doesn't bother me one bit.

I think it's impossible to not see your spouse differently in a lot of aspects after discovering infidelity

I doubt that it's a body issue. I think you're questioning your future, and the appearance stuff is the way it's surfacing.

You may still be working out what you want. If so, as time goes on, I expect the appearance issue will fade is you want to R and expand to other areas if you lean to D. My reco is to monitor your thoughts and feelings and see how they shake out.

*****

Clothed, my W and I often hear things like, 'You look a lot younger than you are.' Unclothed, we look all of our 80+ years. I have a little bit of sympathy for young people who lament about their deteriorating looks. After all, they don't know what's coming.

Young people - you know - those under, say, 65 or 70!

*****

Seriously, I recommend reframing: you're not fighting yourself - you're figuring out what you want.

Clothed, my W and I often hear things like, 'You look a lot younger than you are.' Unclothed, we look all of our 80+ years. I have a little bit of sympathy for young people who lament about their deteriorating looks. After all, they don't know what's coming. smile

Young people - you know - those under, say, 65 or 70! laugh

We're in our mid 50s, but don't look it quite yet. Don't get me wrong, we're not 30 anymore, but my wife was mistaken for being 35 by a co worker just last week. Gotta love those $100+ bi-monthly hair colorings. When she notices that sweet silver dew beginning to show she hits the panic button and rushes off to her stylist for the afternoon. I've told her to just let it grow out. I can be into the hot grandma look. I've noticed some younger women actually dying their hair silver/gray lately! Seems it's in style right now.

Me? I recently shaved my beard off and successfully shaved off about 15 years in the process. I was also recently mistaken for being much younger, but that's been the story of my life. I've always had a baby face. I was getting carded for alcohol into my 40s. It used to drive me crazy when I was younger, but now it's a blessing.

As for the OP, I get what you're saying. It's not really her physical look that you're noticing. Your love goggles have been badly smudged by the affair. Beauty isn't only skin deep. When your perception of a person changes you literally can see them differently.

I haven't gone through that with my wife after her affair, but I have experienced that with other people in the past. You start noticing things you never noticed before about their physical appearance. I think it's pretty normal and not something you should beat yourself up over. This not some deficit on your behalf. Maybe with some time and effort she can restore those rose colored glasses.

There are 2 implements for attraction. The external and the inside.

When the inside is coming to outside it gives a ton of beauty to the person you love, if is beautiful.

When it’s disgusting like the betrayal, there’s nothing much you can do.p, it taints the person even if they are or become stunning.

It’s now dirty, and once you see you can’t unsee.

They were above everyone else before. Now they have to put effort to just qualify in comparison to the other options.

Isn’t physical, is emotional corruption.
Theirs, not yours.