I generally don’t think any ws would answer in a way that changes dr. S’s mind about the overarching futility of reconciliation.
I want to respond to it because more than he reads here and if it helps anyone it does, but I willl preface it with-it’s not the right answer in every case. I do not know if Gemmy and his wife will ultimately reconcile or if they should. None of us really do.
Certainly there are some things happening that would lead me to believe it’s not impossible they could find happiness again. Even if she isn’t doing everything perfectly yet he says he sees that she is working pretty hard at it. He isn’t rolling over and just taking it, he is really soul searching and also keeps trying. Generally the battle isn’t over until it’s over.
To me, all acts of betrayal are terrible and all have nuances that would make one wonder how a marriage can be recovered. Hers could be read as deep as there are parts of her that he never knew over the course of their relationship, but I am willing to bet there is a lot he does know about her at her core.
But here is my list of what I find was worth not finding a relationship that was unscarred by infidelity and not all of these will be true in all situations, nor am I claiming they mean you can’t divorce either :
1. Kids. Not in the sense that I believe that just because you have them you should stay together. I am not in that camp at all. But no one loves them like you do other than the other person you had them with and were raising them with. My kids were out of the house by the time we were in this mess, but it still mattered to us whether we could have our family unit in tact if it could be healthy. We have since welcomed grandkids and weathered huge health crisises of one of our kids.
I am a stepmother to some of my kids so I don’t subscribe there can’t be a special relationship with a new spouse. But I am not their mom, and they share with me the things that are hard about their parents not being together so I do think while kids are not at all a deal breaker for a divorce they are certainly a consideration when you look at what you can’t have exactly with just changing relationships. I think it is a considerable one in not just throwing the marriage away and giving some time before making those bigger decisions. They now have inlaws so they have three sets of parents that they have to split their holidays/vacations/etc (one has four because her spouses parents recently divorced)
2. Shared history. Not a divorce dealbreaker at all but I will say there were aspects to that which saved my husbands life literally when he had a health crisis. I am of course not saying that would be a often seen thing, but the shared history thing weighs greatly for some, it did for us.
3. When a ws does the real work, often they are a far improved spouse. I literally never take my husband for granted. I listen and care about his needs more than ever (I just have stopped guessing what they are or hustling for his love). I actually think I am less likely to cheat than what he might get in the dating pool. I know that’s ridiculous to some but when you have a couple who goes through a trial by fire together it leaves a lasting impression that isn’t soon to be forgotten.
I know not all ws do it but in gemmy’s case I truly do not think he will remain married to her if she doesn’t do it. I also think that may ultimately factor into why she does do it all at least for the foreseeable future.
4. Finances. Worst reason to stay married if you can afford a divorce, but you do get to keep more assets than you would if you leave for hopes of that new great relationship.
5. Religious convictions. Okay that could be worse than money to me but for others this is a huge consideration and one that is very important to them.
I didn’t even mention that he feels he still loves her. I don’t think he imagines that or is afraid to be on his own. I think that’s his truth.
Again, I am all for divorce if that’s what the ultimate decision is for anyone. I don’t think reconciliation is owed. But if the bs wants to see if they can have it, and they clearly write about it without sweeping anything under the rug, I think we can trust them when they say they need time to see what happens. There are probably lots of other reasons that others could chime in and add, I just didn’t feel like making a list that was so nuanced that it then was so in the micro that it would feel I am only speaking for me or about me.
I am not advocating for him to reconcile or divorce. In fact, I am not advocating for anything at all other than letting him have his process. He doesn’t seem hyper reactive to me—he seems like someone fully capable of realizing he could be fine as a divorced person. Does he have fears that hold him back? Sure I think all of us do when faced in the aftermath of infidelity, but I don’t see a paralyzed man here.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:07 PM, Wednesday, October 21st]
