SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here and first post. So it’s been roughly 8 months since I was able to get my wife to admit to her affair. Let me tell you the struggle has been something real. Life has been completely flipped upside down for me. I keep telling myself to stay for the kids. Every single day since I have questioned if I should get in contact with her APs spouse. I fully believe they have every right to know who they are lying in bed next to every night and should have a choice whether that’s someone they want to keep around in their life. My struggle everyday is whether or not I should stay in my relationship with my wife, as of right now it’s fully about my kids and financial reasoning. Who knows maybe one day the on going feelings of hatred towards my wife will go away for everyone’s well being. I hope I really start seeing more from my wife as in that this was a complete mistake that will forever stain our relationship and what she will do to show me shes fully committed again and will do whatever it takes to build back was she broke for her own selfish reasons. As for now I’m really torn about letting the AP spouse know and would love some feedback as to what others have done or their thoughts on delivering such information.

The question of telling AP’s spouse (the other betrayed spouse, or OBS) is separate from whether you decide to stay with your own WW. Why do you see them as linked?

To answer the question, you 100% tell the OBS. You are right: they have the right to know. It’s the Golden Rule in action. You would have wanted someone to tell you as soon as possible.

Try to call her if you can. Emails, Facebook messages, mail, and other such things can be intercepted. Track down her phone number and call her and simply say that your WW has confessed to having an affair with her husband. Offer to share information if she wants it. Offer to maintain in communication with her if you find out that your WW and her WH break no-contact. Keep it compassionate and to the barest of facts.

Do not tell you WW beforehand that you are doing this. If she has a reaction, it may well tip you off to the fact that she’s still in contact with her AP. Besides, if you do tell her, she may reach out to AP to warn him. You might find yourself painted as some crazed, jealous husband.

How is your WW behaving? How is she failing to show commitment to you and your marriage?

I fully believe they have every right to know who they are lying in bed next to every night and should have a choice whether that’s someone they want to keep around in their life.

This is the (nearly) universal consensus on this site. She deserves to know the truth about her marriage. She deserves to know her health has been put at risk and Std testing is necessary. She at some point will be considering major life decisions believing that she is sharing those challenges with someone she can trust.

My struggle everyday is whether or not I should stay in my relationship with my wife

And here’s the second reason to reach out. I assume your wayward wife is supposed to be no contact with her affair partner. If she comes to you pissed off about you torching his marriage that tells you a couple of things.

They’re still in contact.

Protecting him is more important than you and your marriage.

It’s also possible the other betrayed spouse will share information with you that helps you with your decision to reconcile or divorce.

DoingItAlone

This going to sound harsh, I have never saw a valid reason for concealing an affair.

Whether you pack your bags tomorrow or stays married for the next thirty years is completely beside the point. Your marital status isn't relevant; the core issue is that a human being is living a lie because the people around her find it inconvenient to tell her the truth.

Let's drop the romanticized garbage about "protecting" people or "waiting for the right time." Concealing an affair is never about protecting the betrayed spouse; it’s about self-preservation. It is cowardice wrapped up in fake concern.

Here is the reality:

Informed Consent Doesn't Exist in the Dark: His wife is making daily decisions about her life, her health, her finances, and her future based on a fraud. Depriving her of the truth strips away her basic autonomy.

The "Leave First, Tell Later" Myth is a Cop-Out: People love to argue that he needs to sort his own marriage out first. Why? So he can control the narrative? So he can soft-land his exit before the fallout hits? That isn't respect; that's strategic PR.

You Don't Get to Play God With Her Life: Deciding she "can't handle it" or that telling her will "destroy her" is patronizing. What actually destroys people is realizing everyone around them knew they were being made a fool of while they were kept completely in the dark.

She deserves the truth. Period. Not when it’s convenient, not after he decides whether or not he's walking away, and certainly not on his sanitized terms. Tell her.

Regarding the other point, on wether you should stay or leave... tougher question:

What may help you, is I've been working on a slightly unhinged, painfully ironic, yet completely accurate decision tree, perhaps run through it (I have the accompanying image but I'm struggling to upload it (my second time posting this, still working out the kinks):

Rule #1: Be brutally honest with yourself, or this entire exercise is pointless.

START HERE: Q1. The Motivation Question
Why are you actually considering revisiting the wreckage?

Option A: Pure Desperation & Loneliness
"I'm lonely, horny, and the dating apps are an absolute dumpster fire."
GO TO: Q2 (The Loneliness Question)

Option B: Remorse & Hope
"They say they’ve changed, and I believe they are doing the hard work."
GO TO: Q3 (The Hope Question)

Option C: Practical Logistics
"We have 'unfinished business' (a lease, shared finances, professional ties)."
GO TO: Q4 (The Logistics Question)

Option D: Nostalgia & Idealisation
"I miss who they used to be in the beginning and only remember the good times."
GO TO: Q5 (The Fantasy Question)

Option E: External Pressure
"My family, friends, or kids won't shut up about us getting back together."
GO TO: Q7 (The Peer Pressure Question)

Option F: Sunk Cost Fallacy
"We’ve already wasted five years. Quitting now feels like throwing away an investment."
GO TO: Q8 (The Investment Trap Question)

Option G: The Fix-It Complex
"I realise they are broken, but I believe I am the only person capable of 'saving' them."
GO TO: Q10 (The Saviour Complex Question)

Option H: The Low Bar
"I genuinely think my market value is capped at someone who steps out on or disrespects me."
GO TO: Q11 (The Low Bar Question)

Q2. The Loneliness Question
Is the prospect of being single genuinely more terrifying than the inevitable recurrence of the exact same toxic dynamic that broke you in the first place?

Option A: "Yes. I need human warmth even if it’s dysfunctional."
RESULT: Reconcile (The Comfort Trap)
You are prioritising immediate warmth over long-term peace. Expect to be back here in 3 to 6 months, but at least you'll have someone to argue with on Friday nights until then.

Option B: "No, but I’m really bored and miss the familiarity."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
(Download a mindless mobile game. It’s cheaper than therapy and far less likely to end in a restraining order.)

Q3. The Hope Question
"Real remorse" often just means "I realised my actions have immediate negative consequences for me." Do they actually want you, or do they just want the convenience, status, or stability you provided?

Option A: "They genuinely want me and are actively proving it."
GO TO: Q6 (The Ultimate Reality Check)

Option B: "They just want me to stop being mad at them."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
(This isn't a reunion; it's a cease-fire. They are just waiting for the emotional pressure to subside so they can resume business as usual.)

Q4. The Logistics Question
Is this a tactical partnership disguised as a romance because the separation logistics are too complicated?

Option A: "Yes. We genuinely need each other for mutual financial or practical survival right now."
RESULT: Strategic Reconciliation
Treat it like a business merger, not a love story. Maintain strict emotional distance, as you will inevitably have to dissolve the partnership again later—likely with legal counsel.

Option B: "No. I just miss them, but the lease/assets make leaving annoying."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
(The lease can be broken. The damage to your mental health cannot. Don't confuse proximity with passion.)

Q5. The Fantasy Question
Your brain has curated a "greatest hits" album, deleting the constant nagging, emotional unavailability, and betrayal. Are you prepared to accept the full, unremastered box set of who they actually are today?

Option A: "Yes, I accept who they are right now, flaws and all."
GO TO: Q6 (The Ultimate Reality Check)

Option B: "No, but I plan to gently 'guide them back' to who they were in 2019."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
(You are adopting a remodelling project. You will become the "controlling villain" of their story the moment you get frustrated that they aren't changing to suit your specs.)

Q6. The Ultimate Reality Check
If you do reconcile, are you ready for the fact that you have taught them exactly what they can get away with?

Option A: "I am prepared to let bygones be bygones and trust them fully again."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
(Your optimism is delusional. The damage is done; you'll spend 24/7 on "trust patrol" looking for the next betrayal. That’s a probation sentence, not a relationship.)

Option B: "I know they'll probably do it again, but I think I can handle the heat this time."
RESULT: Reconcile (The Martyr)
Congratulations. You are knowingly running back into the burning building. At least you are self-aware enough to admit you enjoy the smoke.

Q7. The Peer Pressure Question
You are not in a relationship; you are running a public relations campaign for your social circle. Do you want them, or do you just want the collective sigh of relief from your mother-in-law?

Option A: "I just want everyone to stop asking. The peace is worth the misery."
RESULT: Surface-Level Reconciliation
Welcome to your new role in "The Happy Couple." The applause stops the moment you close the bedroom door. Good luck maintaining the facade.

Option B: "I genuinely believe their family/circle is better for me than mine."
RESULT: Tactical Alliance
You are marrying the in-laws. It's a pragmatic move—just don't expect any actual affection from your partner.

Q8. The Investment Trap Question
The time you spent being miserable is a sunk cost. Reconciling doubles down on that loss. Are you prepared to double your investment in failure?

Option A: "Yes. I’ve put in too much time to quit now. They owe me a payoff."
RESULT: The Sunk-Cost Reconcile
You have formally dedicated your life to resentment. You will spend the next decade cataloguing every sacrifice, waiting for a repayment that will never come.

Option B: "No. The past is gone, and I refuse to throw good years after bad."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP

Q10. The Saviour Complex Question
You are an unlicensed therapist with an impossible case study. You are attracted to their dysfunction because it makes you feel stable and morally superior. Are you ready to be exhausted by a project that will actively resist your improvements?

Option A: "Yes. I have endless patience and I know I can help them evolve."
RESULT: Codependent Reconcile
Your identity is now defined by how much toxicity you can endure for their "potential." You will burn out, and they will leave you for someone who doesn't try to change them.

Option B: "No. I just want an equal partner, not a rescue operation."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP

Q11. The Low Bar Question
Are you going back because you’ve personalised their disrespect, convincing yourself that your value is capped at someone who treats you like an option?

Option A: "Yes. I'm terrified no one else will want me, so I might as well take the familiar pain."
RESULT: The Self-Harm Reconcile
By going back, you tell them: "My dignity has a discount price." You forfeit the right to be surprised by the next betrayal. You didn't forgive them; you permitted them.

Option B: "No. Saying it out loud sounds pathetic. I deserve actual respect."
GO TO: THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP

THE ULTIMATE EXIT RAMP
FINAL RESULT: DO NOT RECONCILE.
You have successfully talked yourself out of a terrible idea. Take a deep breath and feel the crushing weight of that decision lift.

This feeling of relief is not sadness—it is freedom.

You just dodged a bullet that you were holding to your own head. Close the tab, delete the text drafts, and go remind yourself what it feels like to have standards. Go buy yourself a nice coffee—you just saved yourself thousands of pounds in therapy.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 5:45 PM, Wednesday, July 22nd]

Is the affair over?
Do you have assurances if so?
What’s your wife’s stance on the marriage?

Look – You mention kids and staying for them and the financial factors… Those are great reasons to remain in a marriage, but the key-word there is MARRIAGE. People can reconcile a marriage from infidelity, but it’s a lot of work. If done properly and successfully it’s well worth the effort, but it’s WORK. It doesn’t just happen.
Remaining in an unhappy, unreconciled marriage… IMHO the worst ides ever.

At some point the kids will leave. At that time they will be branded with the vision that a "marriage" is something where two people barely tolerate each other and don’t show affection or respect. An image they will take into their future relationships. Plus experience shows repeatedly that at this point the excuse "remain for the kids" disappears and is replaced by "have to remain because she would get my pension"…

See my tagline? I truly believe that quote and live by it. In your instance I fear that you have convinced yourself that divorce would automatically have some serious ongoing financial consequences and lead to a worse life for your kids. Due to this, you seem condemned to a life of misery. Yes – divorce is change, but somehow people seem to get divorced and manage fine.

Well… You have options, and they aren’t limited to divorce or misery. You two can decide to work on the marriage and then do that work. You can also gather information on an EDUCATED view on what divorce would actually be. That gives you options, and options are what create pressure to change. Like if your WW thinks now that no matter what you won’t divorce, then she has no impetus to change. Once you two both accept that what you are dealing with is serious stuff and the WORST outcome is the present status-quo then you have reason to work towards what might be a better goal – divorce OR reconciliation.

And yes – contact the spouse.

I waited 5 months before reaching out to the other BS and I regret every day. I had no right to decide what she gets to know about her husband. She was very grateful that I reached out and I apologized for taking so long and she said no need to apologize

This wasn't the first time he's done it. While he was carrying on with my wife his wife was waiting to have surgery to find out if she had breast cancer. Nice guy huh

After his affair with my wife ended he moved on to the social worker at the school and had sex with her not only in his car but on this woman's desk, in the school.

His wife became suspicious of the social worker and reached out to me asking if she could speak to my wife. I told my wife you owe her at least that. After their conversation my wife said the woman was nothing but gracious and she had no reason to be so.

His wife in my opinion is incredibly codependent. She told me a couple of times that she had enough and she was filing for divorce but she never did and then she stopped communicating with me. She sounds like an amazing woman and she could do much better but her husband has her wrapped around his finger so he has no motivation to stop what he's doing